Tell Me The Truth (About Fundraising)

?? If we’ll be honest, expose our weakness, we’ll find we’re strongest together. So tell me the truth. Even if it hurts me, even if it’s ugly. My heart is open. Tell me the truth, without the self-protection. Love can mend what’s broken. In me and you. Brick by brick, we’ll take the walls down. – Steffany Gretzinger ??

 

Today I told the truth.

 

Without the self protection I normally operate out of.

 

And it was hard.

 

It was scary.

 

It meant exposing a part of my heart, and my past that I’m not proud of.

 

I’ve mentioned before that fundraising has been an incredibly hard and growing journey for me. Pride and self worth issues aside, a huge part of this struggle for me is a heart issue. In fact it goes even deeper than that. It’s an orphan spirit issue.

 

An orphan spirit is one that acts as if it’s separated from the heart and love of the Father, similarly to how a true earthly orphan would. It tells us that we must do everything ourselves because others can’t be trusted. And in order to gain something, we must take from others, because it operates out of the notion that there are only a limited amount of resources. Which means, in turn, others must inherently be against us, because in order to gain things for themselves, they must take from us. It’s a cycle that encourages independence and dismisses God’s abundance and ability/want to bless us so much so, without limit.

 

Not only did this lead me to believe that this season of my life, and me as a person, weren’t worth investing in to others because I couldn’t see my own worth, so how could others (more on that journey another day), but went as deep as to convincing me that in order to achieve my goals (especially in fundraising) I had to swindle people into giving me money.

 

And over and over, I struggled to ask people to donate, because I felt like I was deceiving them. And that was a really hard pill to swallow and admit to. That I was looking them in the eyes and telling them that their money was being invested into something that mattered, something worth while, but I didn’t believe it myself. The race, absolutely. We saw incredible shifts in the Kingdom and so many people brought to know Jesus’s love. Now that’s a worthwhile cause I could get behind inviting people to support. But investing in ME? In my time at CGA? In the work I need to put in here to be able to walk deeper into the life and calling He is inviting me into? No way. Inviting people into that, made me feel like a thief, like I was going to let them down, like I was setting their investment up to fail. I felt like I was planting flowers in the front yard to make it look pretty while pretending I didn’t know the whole house was on fire.

 

I’ve come a long way since the day I said yes to this wild adventure of a life. I’ve learned a lot about my worth and identity in Christ, and I genuinely believe it to be real and true most days. He’s even grown in me a huge passion for helping other young women come to see theirs, and it’s become one of the greatest joys in my life. But sometimes I still forget. Sometimes I still get scared, and let my orphan spirit and old self protection habits take over.

 

And the ugly truth is: so many people in my past have taken from me, both physically and emotionally, I often believe that in order to gain anything myself I must “take” in return.

 

It’s ugly, and it’s hurtful, and it’s so far from what I value, and so SO very far from the Father’s heart and what He desires for us in relationship.

 

But right now, some days it’s my truth. And as ugly and hard as it is, that’s okay. Because exposing the truth, bringing light to the dark/wounded animal parts of our hearts, is how be begin the journey of tearing down the wall around it, brick by brick. It’s how we begin to heal.

 

And at the end of the day, when I was completely convinced that all the choices in my past proved my point, that my heart and intentions couldn’t be trusted, I asked my favorite guy up in the sky what He thought of it all, and He had the absolute gentlest of words for my heart.

 

“Even if you’re afraid to trust yourself. *I* trust you. I have placed My Spirit in you and I know who I have made you to be. I trust you with these people. I trust you to steward the money well that they entrust you with. And I trust you with my Kingdom. You are My daughter. And you are trustworthy. TrustWORTHY.”

 

Woof. Ya’ll. I don’t deserve it. I have done absolutely NOTHING to earn it. And it is completely unmerited that you all trust me the way that you do. But I want you all to know how THANKFUL I am that you do. That you believe in me even when I forget to believe in myself. And that you continue to invest your time, prayer, and money into my life, into me as a person, and into the work I have been invited to be a part of in His Kingdom. You all encourage me and renew my faith over and over, day after day.